My Life as a Fruitcake

Ever feel like a fruitcake? Here I am all sweet and quiet (stop laughing) and yet I'm totally unhealthy and almost being eaten. Just like a fruitcake.

I am now up to maybe 75% functioning. Not bad if you know what the last months have been like with me laying in bed crying. And yet, I worked hard to get just 1/3 of the kitchen table cleared of dirty dishes this past week. There's now enough empty space there to set a rag. Thrilled with my hard work because only 2/3 of the kitchen table was covered. Now back where I started. This is my life. But surely by the time my parents come for Christmas... grr.

I am able to make our meals. I just can't do much else.

And then we have that "almost being eaten" thing I mentioned. Refer back to 2 posts ago. No matter what your personal convictions are regarding "appropriate" vocabulary, losing a child SUCKS. When you have to use those words in order to continue telling the truth, you have to wonder if it might be easier to just lie: "Fine and how are you?" "Yeah, we're doing better."
Or try being asked how your handling things, only to stand there speechless not knowing if you're being asked about your health or your baby. After all, why would health enter anyone's mind if they did know about Eden. And yet, I can't always be sure they do know about her. Several times I've ended up saying, "Wait - how am I doing with what?" - which, of course, makes it sound like nothing's amiss. I usually don't have these problems navigating conversations! Once again, grr.

That last paragraph wasn't actually supposed to turn into an explanation of what it's like to talk to people. But it does make a point: When you lose your baby, nothing remains normal. No person looks the same. No situation looks the same. Even objects in the house don't look the same. Need examples? Think pregnant women, Mother's Day, and the ponytail holders that were keeping my jeans together. Or, try people that are mean to their children, a 4 year old friend wanting my attention, and the Christmas tree (yeah - it's up - not the point.)

That said, I know that God was all over Eden's life - before beginning to after end. That would get into the topics of me having visions and God answering prayers that were beyond physical explanation. It's also true that I don't know who's reading this, so I'm not willing to give details and provide any meanies with ammo.

But knowing that God has been covering her short time here so thoroughly, it leads me to wonder: Did God use her weeks here as a positive blessing? Or did he simply know she wouldn't make it and therefore worked hard to pull good out of that fact? I sure would like to know. The first says my body can pull-off this "baby thing." The second says that I can lose more and simply expect "some good to come of it." Serious difference. If anyone has the brilliance to tell me which one is the case, you're welcome to let me know.

I am proud of my daughter. Looking to the future, I can honestly say I delight in her. My "treasure in heaven" trumps just about everyone else's. But the fact remains, I want my baby back! My belly should be "out to here" and I'm not seeing that leaving my mind soon.

I woke up many mornings that the first thought on my mind was "I'm pregnant!" How many mornings will it take until the first thought on my mind is not "Oh God, I want my baby back!"