Babies Again

Saturday, we bumped into a friend at Target and ended up at their house 2 hours later with another couple - 6 adults and as many kids.

Realizing that one of them reads this, I'm still gonna say; I can not STAND being the only mom without kids! Gag!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I keep coming back to this topic with different wording. But I'm really getting tired of it! For about 14 months, I've dealt with this. The way my brain handles it has gotten much easier. But as it turns out, getting my brain organized has been irrelevant to my emotions.

It's constantly in my face. Talking about someone else's baby shower. Seeing my friends with their kids in their laps. Having a little girl leap into my arms, and before I think "how sweet," I think, "but she's not mine." Toys scattered on someone else's floor, and I'm thinking about how lame it is to have a tidy house.

I could stay home all the time and I still wouldn't escape. It does seem worse when I'm being social though. It's quite the dilemma. I need friends - especially mom-friends. But what happens around mom-friends? Mom-stuff: baby showers, kids in laps, toys on floors.
~~~~~~~~~~~

Sunday, we went to a friend's house. Her husband is currently out of town, so we spent the rest of the day with her. Going on a walk with her is how I found that nifty leaf up there. All the fall colors except orange. Not bad, eh?

When we were still there at dinner time, she suggested we either make pizza or pancakes. So naturally, the pizza went in the oven and we got working on the pancake batter! :) Yummeh.

We watched "Sarah Plain and Tall" before going home. Two kids crying because they don't have their mom, the little girl having a nightmare and screaming "mama," and a very fake scene where a woman has a baby who has trouble breathing. All off the top of my head. My eyes are clean. Hmph.
~~~~~~~~~~~~

This morning though, I got to wondering. When the day comes that I do have a living baby in my arms, after the tears of joy and relief, will there be a flood of grieving tears? Will the reality of grief be driven in deeper by suddenly comprehending how much we've really lost? Will having a living baby, in those first moments, even be a good memory?