What I can't feel hurts.

I hate grief. Especially when I can't feel it.

My stomach's tight, my skin tingles, my head hurts, all my limbs are heavy, and I can't take a deep breath. But I don't feel grief.

All I feel emotionally is weary. Almost sad, but more empty than sad.

Empty. Yeah. My jeans fit now. After all the concern I had for my jeans being tight in high school, I despise them fitting now. A few days ago, I was still rationing my shirts so I'd always have something that covered up the bella band. I have a large wardrobe now. Whoopty do.

I'm angry. I don't know who at, I don't know why, and I don't so much as have a direction to point it. But I'm ticked.

The anger is coming from fear. And the fear is coming from the extremity of the pain... or rather, what I know the pain will feel like, once I can feel it.

Pain leads to fear leads to anger. Which has no outlet except punching the couch at 1 AM.

And I just had a knock at the door. Big ole vase of flowers and a currently-under-my-arm teddy bear. If I keep on this topic, the effect the flowers and bear are having will be ruined. So...

~~~~~~~~~~

We sent out a little note to people with Baby's name and some other details. Though I may change my mind, I hesitate to put his name on here. Find us in church, email, Facebook, or comment here if you want to know his name, or want the note.

~~~~~~~~~~

It's only in 9 days that we leave for a week. A lot needs done before you leave for a week, and I'm as perky as chamomile tea (see above.)

After a trip to the critter ER last Thursday, we found out Molly has diabetes. Cat blood sugar should be about 100, like humans. Molly's pushing 600. I'm giving the cat 2 insulin shots every day. Did you even know that could happen?

We have my follow-up OB appointment tomorrow morning. But I'll avoid lapsing back into what the bear is fixing.

We should be able to pick up Baby's ashes this week. Hopefully D will get a phone call about it today.

Most of you know about my bracelet with the kids' names on it. We could've ordered the 3rd strand and had it back in time for Mother's Day. However, that would've meant not having the bracelet at all while out of town. I can't quite explain it, but that comes with a terrible "We forgot the kids!" feeling.

So, we'll order the 3rd strand right after we get home. I'm off to figure out what I want it to look like.