Balancing Miracle and Medical. Mar. 27. Week 8.

The following are some quotes I took from an email I wrote on March 27 - the day after the u/s where we couldn't even see Baby.

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"[I'm analyzing all these medical options] at the same time I really am asking God for a miracle. It's like when Nebuchadnezer threatened S,M,and A with the furnace. They said they knew God could save them, but they didn't know if he would...

I'm believing he might, and planning that he might not. Weird place to be."

After the first 2 ultrasounds (10 hours apart) where we couldn't find a heartbeat, we started praying for a miracle. Literally, we were praying that God would raise the dead. I'll ditch an explanation, but we hardly view God as being limited!

In the same moment, we were needing to face that he might not do it, and think about what was best in terms of how to get Baby out, and how long we were willing to wait.

It's a hard balance to strike.

Last year, we didn't really know that God could (still) raise the dead. This year, just realizing that he's capable made a huge difference in my level of peace.

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"My belly is continuing to grow. I currently look the most pregnant I ever have. (J must've prepped me.) D took some pictures of me Wednesday night."

This was exactly 2 weeks before the D&C - the day T was "born" on. Something interesting about being pregnant with a baby who died - you keep growing. Everything continues. You're still pregnant. In fact, you can keep choosing the perfect shirt to show off your belly-lette with right up until... maybe a week past the baby coming out.

(On that note, the pictures I mentioned can be sent to anyone who asks for them.)

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The thing about the D&C date being the day he was "born":

I don't hear this talked about much. I figure it's the same as with a C-section. The baby was still "born" and still has a "birthday" - not a "surgery day." If the C-section happens and the baby died a bit beforehand, he's still "born" and had a "birthday."

I hadn't thought about this myself until now.
I never used any such terminology with E - it was more of "she made it to 5 weeks." Nor did I with J - it was "I was in labor on January 28th." (No denying labor! Sheesh!) But the idea in the above paragraph just hadn't clicked with me.

I'm adamant about giving my babies the same level of respect a 40-weeker or adult would get. Real people. Really matter. Really truly just like the rest of us. And yet, this one detail never clicked. Can't catch it all I guess.