Thurs. Oct. 22, 2009

Wanna know what's in my head?! Me too! Let's find out!

Ok, so yesterday I'm reading Brother Lawrence, and I come across this extreme bodaciousness: "Oh my God, since you are with, and I must now apply my mind to these outward things, I ask you to grant me the grace to continue in your presence... receive all my works, and possess all my affections." Seriously, that's deep. If you want it to be.

I've learned a ton from this guy about being aware of God's presence - paying attention to him, and being influenced by him. Yeah. So then I realize that Bro Lawrence thought God had caused some illness he was having. Atleast he also had the presence of mind to *trust* God's love in his illness, but good grief!

So I'm thinking; If he can be tight enough with God to teach others to be so too, and I already have the heads-up that God doesn't hurt people, then that kinda sounds like there's some potential for my own ability to have a good influence... right?

Ok whatever. What else is in my head?

Oh yeah! Head! Ok, so ya know that Ephesians thing, "Wives, submit to your husbands...the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church?" You do? Me too.

Yeah, so ya know what Christ did for the church? He set her free, empowered her, and said, "You'll do greater things than me." Anyone else find that sit-up-straight worthy?

Let's see...

I discovered today, much to my bafflement and glee, that I have a big ole honkin' cookbook I've never gone through. Hopefully, this will result in good new recipes. Something needs to remedy how we sit down for dinner and have to just be grateful that we have something to gag on. I take responsibility.

I was really stoked on Sunday 'cause I got a word (ie "message from God," but that's extra syllables) for somebody. Anyway, that's happened several times now, but that was the best reaction I've seen so far. It's like God said, "Hey, wanna give this happy-pill to that dude and see what happens?"

Ok, really, the focus was the dude and not me, but let's face it; that's a hoot.

That pious sentence makes me think:

So last week, I have 2 daydreams in 1 day. One involves "almonds in the Bible." The other involves a "boiling cauldron." The next day, leaving out the mini-story here, God leads me to Jeremiah 1. Give you 1 guess what 2 objects are in Jeremiah 1.

God tells Jeremiah to do something, and Jeremiah's response is, "But I'm only a child." Guess what, people? I've been thinking for a while that I can't do a good job with tasks God gives me because "I like to act like a kid."

Anyway, God tells Jeremiah, "Do not say 'I am only a child.'"

Now people, you are probably far more reserved, intellectual, and respectable than myself, so you'll have to take my word for it: THAT FEELS REALLY GOOD TO HEAR... read... ya know.

So as of last week, my paradigm is changing. (I'm probably the only 4 year old who knows the word "paradigm.") I've learned that giggling is a legitimate prayer, and that if you want to gleefully nickname the Lion of the tribe of Judah "RARRR," lightning won't strike your apartment.

For those of you who didn't miss that "do not say" can also be read as "don't make excuses," I'm probably smiling more than you. But I hope not.

Ok, bye.

Balancing Miracle and Medical. Mar. 27. Week 8.

The following are some quotes I took from an email I wrote on March 27 - the day after the u/s where we couldn't even see Baby.

~~~~~~~~~~

"[I'm analyzing all these medical options] at the same time I really am asking God for a miracle. It's like when Nebuchadnezer threatened S,M,and A with the furnace. They said they knew God could save them, but they didn't know if he would...

I'm believing he might, and planning that he might not. Weird place to be."

After the first 2 ultrasounds (10 hours apart) where we couldn't find a heartbeat, we started praying for a miracle. Literally, we were praying that God would raise the dead. I'll ditch an explanation, but we hardly view God as being limited!

In the same moment, we were needing to face that he might not do it, and think about what was best in terms of how to get Baby out, and how long we were willing to wait.

It's a hard balance to strike.

Last year, we didn't really know that God could (still) raise the dead. This year, just realizing that he's capable made a huge difference in my level of peace.

~~~~~~~~~~

"My belly is continuing to grow. I currently look the most pregnant I ever have. (J must've prepped me.) D took some pictures of me Wednesday night."

This was exactly 2 weeks before the D&C - the day T was "born" on. Something interesting about being pregnant with a baby who died - you keep growing. Everything continues. You're still pregnant. In fact, you can keep choosing the perfect shirt to show off your belly-lette with right up until... maybe a week past the baby coming out.

(On that note, the pictures I mentioned can be sent to anyone who asks for them.)

~~~~~~~~~~

The thing about the D&C date being the day he was "born":

I don't hear this talked about much. I figure it's the same as with a C-section. The baby was still "born" and still has a "birthday" - not a "surgery day." If the C-section happens and the baby died a bit beforehand, he's still "born" and had a "birthday."

I hadn't thought about this myself until now.
I never used any such terminology with E - it was more of "she made it to 5 weeks." Nor did I with J - it was "I was in labor on January 28th." (No denying labor! Sheesh!) But the idea in the above paragraph just hadn't clicked with me.

I'm adamant about giving my babies the same level of respect a 40-weeker or adult would get. Real people. Really matter. Really truly just like the rest of us. And yet, this one detail never clicked. Can't catch it all I guess.

First Time at our Friday Night Group

The following is a pivotal story for both of us in knowing God's love and power. The night spoken of rocked both our lives.

This is the night we realized God takes action.

You've heard about our Friday night church group. Mike, the leader, asked me to write out the story of the first time we went. This is it.
~~~~~~~~~

One night in February of 2008, my husband and I went to our Friday night group for the first time. We came straight from the funeral home, where we'd dropped off our son's body to be cremated. He was our second child - and the second we'd lost.

We came in after the meeting had started, both my arms around my husband's teddy bear, and his arm around me. We sat down and half-listened to the speaker, a woman who, of all things, was telling the story of holding her son while he died.

I don't remember much from the meeting, or even from the surrounding months. I came in shattered, not only having just lost our baby, but in the worst part of Lyme Disease. It'd been 3 months since I'd had a moment without pain. Even before we knew something was wrong with the baby, I was out of my head from hurting.

I remember Mike kneeling in front of me, talking to me quietly. He was asking what was going on. I couldn't speak, and my husband answered for us.

I've remarked a few times since that neither of us ever told the group that we thought I'd die. Though each time I've mentioned that, I've heard, "Oh I know! We could tell."

Mike asked something about whether it was ok for the group to pray for us, and put their hands on us.

Then I remember having about 6 hands on me. One was my husband's. Their hands made my body hurt, but I didn't care. I hurt worse than my body did.

I heard things in that prayer that I never had before. They said they believed Jesus could heal me. They demanded bad things to get off me. I remember so little, but I know it brought comfort. I remember thinking that if I did die, maybe these people would help my husband.

When they were done praying, and a few were left kneeling, talking to me, something made me laugh. I remember Mike turning from near-by and saying, "You're laughing!" I was rather surprised myself.

The next afternoon, I realized that my pain level had dropped enough to notice. That would gradually continue until, about 4 months later, I felt good 23 hours a day. The prayer had been a turning point.

One year later, I'm healthy and hopeful, closer to God than I knew was possible, the group is our family, and they're teaching us how to pray.

God over Kids

Last Friday, something clicked with me:

The thoughts in my head get a lot sweeter when I think I might be pregnant. I am SUPER sensitive to the thought of stressing out my baby.

However, they don't get a lot sweeter when I think of God being in the room with me. I am not super sensitive to the thought of stressing HIM out.

That says more about my heart than I ever wanted to know.
~~~~~~~~~~

Apology made and accepted. Then I went about my day very conscious that I need to 1) love God more than I love my children, and 2) be sensitive to him.
~~~~~~~~

Hours later, I dropped into the recliner with my Bible. I started reading where I'd left off, and came across Jesus saying this; "He who loves his son or daughter more than me is not worthy of me."

Anyone else think that was NOT a coincidence?

I took it as, "You were right! Don't forget! This is important to me."
~~~~~~

That night we had our Friday Night Group. At the end, we had worship time via CD. Our leader, Mike, came over to tell me that a certain line in the song that was playing was for ME. (Kind of God pointing out the line if you will.)

The line was "Strength will rise as we wait upon the Lord." Thinking on it led to all the following pouring into my head:

- Strength will rise as I wait upon the Lord. Not as I wait upon the Lord to bring me children.
- The effect on my niceness that God has needs to be even stronger than the effect my children have.
- If I don't value God more than my children, how could I value that they came from him? So, how could I value them (to the extent I should)?
- If I don't love God more than I love them, how could I give/dedicate them to God?

The next song was about the Father-child love we get from God. Yet another not-a-coincidence. During it, this part came:

- The love that's to be found between parent and child with my children is available in my parent-child relationship with God. (It's not like putting him first is depriving me of anything.)
- His parent-child love is even more intense than my own. He loves me more than I love them. (And, he loves them like that.)
- God is the only source of happiness and satisfaction. Not children.
- Similarly, living children is not what would bring me peace and joy.
- How could I have peace during pregnancy if I'm not more in love with him than with my baby?
- How could I have joy once they're born without God?

So I came home after Group and wrote it all down. Pretty hefty, huh?

Would you believe I even prayed for God to have that sweetness-effect on me in a dream last night?

Truth's truths

I've been thinking lately: How do we know if something pertaining to God is true?

When I was a kid, I was taught that experience is not valid. I was taught that we read the Bible, take it very literally, and don't look for experiences with God.

But then, aren't all the Bible stories accounts of people's experiences with God? If you don't have experience, what do you have?

Experience it is!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

So then I think about the idea of basing truth off of experience. That can be done. As mentioned, that's precisely how the Bible works.

Like in the "Love" post, I experienced God's interactive love for me, I therefore can't question that it's real. Or that He's real for that matter.

But it's also true that a painful emotion can twist our ability to see reality.

A painful emotion could have made me rail against the totally true love I experienced last week. (Especially during the back-to-blah time following the experience.)

Too, emotion can convince us that God said something because we'd LOVE it if he would. Been there done that.

Even with these dangers, experience seems to be the method by which to arrive at truth, whether that experience is our own or someone else's.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

But you see, my head has been warped. I have over 2 decades of people telling me that truth MUST be verified in order to BE truth.

It must be written, in order that it's tangible. It must be analyzed and scrutinized in order to be sure it's solid. It must be able to be proved - for truth and fact are the same... usually...

Unless it's not possible to write/analyze/scrutinize/prove MY truth.

How reliable.

Maybe, truth doesn't need proven at all. Maybe truth is truth. Maybe truth is so confident in it's true-ness, that it doesn't need us to validate it.

And if that's *ahem* true, then we're back to being able to rely on experience.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

One thing I know:

God is the source of all truth. God has me. Therefore I am wrapped in truth. And Truth will help me to identify the details of Himself.

And how do I know this? Well, experience! Naturally!

And faith. Let's not forget faith. Faith matters.

(Sidenote: Is either faith or experience a sub-category of the other? ... Does it matter? ... Will I end up writing a blog post explaining why faith's more important than experience? ... Will you read it? ... Do I need a cookie? ... Yes I do.)

Love

God was busy in worship on Sunday...

(I wrote this story out on Monday morning. But I seem to have packed it so full of squealing that my mother could hardly read it. I've re-written it. But do tell me if there's something you don't understand.)

~~~~~~~~~~

Sunday morning, during worship, I was at the front on my knees. It wasn't out of reverance. Rather, I was overcome with God's LOVE for me.

While there, I put 2 pictures together in my head.

1) From Revelations 5 and 8: "'You are worthy to take the scroll and to open its seals, because you were slain'... and heaven was silent for half an hour"

2) THIS is who kneels in front of me, washing my feet!

The tenderness of Jesus blows me away. The humility, the mercy, the sweetness. I dropped from my knees to my face - laughing! I laughed off and on the rest of worship.

By the way, a line in one of the songs, "you have taken my diseases," brought on one of the rounds of laughing. Most of you will see why.

~~~~~~~~~

Later, back on my knees again, I was singing with my eyes closed. I was imagining a scene in heaven. Angels (and other creatures) were around Father and Jesus, singing praise to them.

While seeing this in my head, I was (literally) on my knees yelling to them, "Heaven, sing louder! Heaven! Sing LOUDER!" I don't think I've ever addressed the angels/creatures before in my life.

A few songs later, near the end, someone came to the front and said, "Did anyone else hear the angels singing?"

There were instantly 20+ "Yes" noises - rather enthusiastic ones!

It was hours later that I put that together with what I'd been yelling at the time. (Not that I think I caused it.)

~~~~~~~~~~

It was immediately following this worship that I found a friend and eagerly blurted out, "Can I pray for you?" (I don't think I've ever offered to pray for anyone period.)

While praying for her, she asked me to pray for a friend of hers, who I've never met. Clueless as to what to say about this person, I paused mid-prayer, and had a piece of info about her friend pop into my head.

I asked her if this info was right.

Her eyes were wide as she said it was.

May I admit I screamed? She, having just been told by yours truly, that I don't get words from God, was laughing.

(Screaming IS what you're supposed to do when God speaks to you, right?)

Now I'm curious to see to what extent God will continue giving me specifics to pray for.

~~~~~~~~~~

One of my friends, who'd never gotten sparkles before, had gold on her cheek.

One of our friends thought he perceived an angel, and mentioned it to his wife. Her response was basically, "Duh. He's been moving all over the room." She'd been seeing him for a while.

I overheard others saying they'd seen angels up above us.

I know of atleast 2 others that were laughing through worship like I was - though I didn't know at the time. Apparently I wasn't the only person God was shaking up.

Get it? "Shaking up?" :)

~~~~~~~~~~

I truly wish it were possible to describe God himself - to paint a picture of what he's doing *inside* us. I hate having to resort to angels to do the painting. They are amazing, but they don't compare.

Available

I've decided to copy and paste a story for you that I told a friend this week. It's personal, but I want you to know this side of God is full-scale available. Though it will sound subjective, it only is to those who've never experienced it. If you're in that group, I'm posting this for you.

It took place Friday night, 8 days ago...

~~~~~~~~~~~~

This past Friday night, our Friday night group met at our current building for the last time. It was a church building we just rented each week. After group, we all wanted to just spend some time in the building - a sentimental thing ya know.

So I left the room we met in, and went to the sanctuary. It's one of the fancy type with stained glass, and a high ceiling. It seats about 200. All the lights were off - only some light glowed through the stained glass.

I'd already been talking to God before walking in, and I slowly made my way to the front, still whispering. I sat down, wrapped in a blanket, on the front bench, and was crying within a minute.

More than anything, looking back over the last year, I was crying for my babies. I was doing the lip-splitting crying, ya know? As if I'd just found out they were gone. And I cried out of deep gratitude that God, in February, had saved my life. And I cried with the realization that he'd saved *their* lives too.

But the REAL part of this story is how real God was during it. Would you believe, as I pitched forward, tears streaming, and absolutely in anguish, it felt *good*? I could feel him that much. He was as real as I was. I wasn't remotely crying alone in the dark. It was more like God had pulled me into his lap, and turned off the lights, so I could cry. Absolutely amazing - I can't even describe it.

Ya know how you can have peace, but you can also have *God's* peace - a different definition of it - a gift of the Spirit. Girl, I was covered in it. I could clearly feel him on me, and loving me.

I haven't grieved like that for months, but it's a beautiful feel-good memory. How cool is that! God's sweet like I've never known sweet before.

Rottened

I have a tradition I keep faithfully. I talk in my half-asleep every night.

So last night, half asleep, trying to explain to David why I was so frustrated, it went something like this:

"I'm just frustrated... cause I have these really great times with God... and then I go a while between them, where I just get to have 'above average' instead of 'really great' the whole time... and... and... He's spoiled me rotten! (giggling)... He rottened me... (long pause)... I smell like stinky cheese (giggling)... (long pause)... YOU smell like slobber."

And that's when David laughed hard enough to wake me up. Thus I remember this ridiculousness. Not all bad.

"Major Brain Cells, Reporting for duty!"

While I'm thinking about it...

A friend said recently that there's no evidence within our God stories that I'm thinking critically about what I see, or questioning things. I totally didn't realize I worded things like that.

So, for clarification, only about 1/4 of what I see gets put here. It's the 1/4 of what I see that I feel certain really IS God. Another 1/4 is stuff I "put on the table" and interrogate for a while. And 1/2 of what I see just gets filed in the back of my head for later.

Tiny example: I'd be seeing those sparkles on other people for 3+ months before I mentioned them here. They had to show up on us for me to believe it.

Let's face it, the part of me that's scientific and calculated doesn't get displayed here. How would you know I have such a side? (Yes yes. Make your silly jokes.)

He's Worth It

My appointment with my counselor Monday night turned out to be my last one.

It'd gotten to the point that the only thing I ever had to tell her were stories of God interacting with me. I'm sure none of you are surprised. Though my counselor is an awesome chick, God's totally taken over her job.

I talked some about my single biggest emotional problem, and ended up concluding that God's doing what she would've tried to do to help - but more efficiently. God's been giving me the comfort and instruction I need there. I could stomp away if I really wanted, but the love he dumps on me along with the help is compelling.

I also talked about the baby issue, but ended up saying, "It was worth it."

Seriously, THAT'S God. Losing the 2 of them, I've been ripped to shreds twice over. But ya know how I rarely have anything to talk about besides God? There's a reason for that. He has consumed me. He was literally my only means of surviving around February. Now, the life I have is adamantly lived through him - and for him. The goodness of God far outweighs the badness of losing children - or of being in so much physical pain, or of having to try and prepare my husband for my death, or of any of the thousands of other terrible things humans go through.

It was worth it. Knowing God has made it worth it. I'm officially addicted. I am in love. I am quickly becoming radical. I pray that process speeds up. I am committed. He's not giving up, and neither am I. I'm in.

He's worth everything.

Not Just an Audience Anymore

Last Thursday night was the worship-till-ya-drop night at church. Turned out to be even more fun than usual!

It's not unusual anymore for the sparkles to show up. Once the music stopped, D was looking around the area where he'd been standing. There were red sparkles scattered around. But he found a chair that was caked. They're blue cloth chairs. The seat and back were heavily sprinkled with them - all red. The area around had a thinner scattering. No one was sitting in that chair or any of the surrounding ones.

It was taken to the front, and people were milling around talking about it. Then came another chair from the back. This one was just as well coated, but in silver. Once again, no one was sitting in that chair.

There was a lot of discussion as to how the "glitter" got there. Plenty of talk about the recent wedding, the possibility of Kids' Church, and the fact that all the chairs had just been scrubbed down. But D and I have seen this before. So have many others. And I am STOKED that God's sending it down at our home church now!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Sunday, I had the 3-5 year olds during second service. Meanwhile, the mother of one of them was upstairs worshipping. Afterward, D and I were in the sanctuary milling around. We were talking to the leaders of our Friday night group when the mom came running up with her hands in front of her. She could hardly speak for laughing. Her hands were covered in sparkles. First time getting them. Ahhhh... church is a hoot.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I've been craving 2 things lately. I need to worship, and I need a baby. Worship I can have. And boy am I.

Sunday morning, I realized I can no longer sing "holy holy holy" and stay standing up. Perhaps this is temporary, but it just ain't happenin'. Several times lately, all in different settings, we've sung those words and I soon ended up on the floor. I thought it had more to do with my choice than anything. But I generally am very concerned about not standing out at church. Best I could tell Sunday, very few people even had their hands in the air, and no one at all was on the floor. Yet, down I went. Grant you, I could choose to stay up. But it'd feel horrible to do it! I'd rather have the flu.

I don't know what's going on around here. But somethin' sure is. I know it's God and I know it's good. Can't figure out a bit else.
~~~~~~~~~~~

After church, a group of us from the Friday night group went out for lunch. Looks like we're planning a solid 3-4 hours of worship some Friday night soon. I've been assigned to help find CD's to use. Like I said earlier, worship and a baby. I'm SO anxious for that night to come.
~~~~~~~~~~~~

My identity is wrapped up in being God's, my husband's and my babies'. But I've got God and D. E and J consume me.

We heard recently that God is always in worship offered through pain. I really see it. Worship, particularly in private, has become a gut-wrenching joy. The floor ends up wet with tears. I end up screaming in silence. But this kind of worship is life-giving. There are no words to describe it - maybe thick. Thick's good. God really is present in this kind of worship. He's not just an audience anymore.

California, and Faith vs Logic

'Ello you lovely personages! Come forth to be flabbergasted! Curious-ified! And mayhap, appaaaaalled!

So, I'm thinking our biggest news is the California trip. (Just sec, Beau needs a little duct tape on his beak. [stomp stomp stomp SQUAWK stomp stomp stomp]) Ok, like I was saying...

California wasn't a "trip to California" per se. It was more of a not-here trip. We flew out Wednesday the 20th. Thursday and Friday, D was at a conference all day. (Programming language, smart people, lots of computers and long hair.) I spent all those 2 days very intentionally alone with God in the hotel room. It was marvelous. I took my Bible, prayer journal, the verses I'm trying to memorize, and a heap of questions. I spent something like 23 hours those 2 days just honed in on Him. Did I mention it was marvelous?

Being it that the heap of questions was really personal, I'll only give an overview here. But so that you kinda get the impact of the weekend, you oughta know that the weekend was a closure to several weeks of struggling with God. The beginning of those several weeks, I sinned in an "idiot" fashion rather than a "we're all human" fashion. There was much to work out.

Anyway, I brought about a half dozen gut-wrenching questions to God - all having to do with His trustworthiness. I wrote them all out, dug through my Bible, journaled my head off, etc. That was Thursday and Friday.

Saturday night, we went to a church some of our friends recommended. No joke that about 5 of my questions were answered while there. Answers came from the rather odd words of the songs, to the speaker literally talking about one of my questions, to him using the exact words I'd used for another one, to the way the Spirit manifested that night - it was wild.

It was so amazing, in fact, that we went back the next morning on the way to the airport. We only had time to stay for worship, but during it, God answered my last major question. Just. Wild.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Just after that trip, we went to the Lyme doc in Michigan. Nothing to report. I'm still on amoxicillin. I got a few detoxing IVs while there. My symptoms are still just muscle quivers, tight feet, and some hip pain. At this rate, it's rare that my symptoms alter my life any.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

We've done a bit of fun shopping lately. I've been getting adrenaline rushes lately just from the thought of buying random brightly-colored things. D, on the other hand, only allows for things we actually need. That's how I ended up with a new prayer journal. I finished off the last one in California - a Lisa Frank notebook. The new one is the picture above. It's college-ruled, and hard-covered. I've never had anything with critter print - it's so not me. Yet, it's kinda fun. I'm stoked.

We also bought cloth for me to make curtains for the second bedroom. We hunted all over the store, neither of us sold on anything (that had enough cloth on the bolt). Then I picked up the above print and held it up to D. His eyes brightened. You know you picked the right man when you can show him pink hearts and flowers and his eyes brighten! I scored. I'm diggin' the dude.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I've been thinking lately about how logic and faith just do not work together. There's one side of this where they do; the part where we're supposed to always be ready to defend our faith. But there comes a point where you either believe or you don't.

Physical evidence can prove a lot. The evidence that God exists though just lands under "probable." You can convince yourself out of "probable" if you really want to. "Probable" covers his existence, his concern for us, Jesus' resurrection. But if you WANT to not believe such things, you CAN. And you can finagle the facts to make your position look logical. You can "logic" your way to being illogical - if you want to. Eventually, it boils down to a simple, "Will I choose to believe?" Logic'll get ya close, but it won't get ya there.

I've been thinking about this because of my own faith struggles. I use reason to be convinced that God is fill in the blank. Then I use reason to be convinced he's NOT fill in the blank. Back and forth and back and forth. I've been very unstable - mentally and emotionally - because I've been doing this.

Finally, it clicked yesterday at lunch...

Ya know James 1 where the person who doubts is called "tossed by the wind," "double-minded," and "unstable in all he does?" That has been ME. To a scary tee. And after dumping a gallon of ink on that prayer journal, it finally became clear; this has nothing to do with logic. I can not reason my way into believing, because so much won't make sense with believing. I can not reason my way out of believing, because so much won't make sense without believing. I'm having to just choose to believe. I realized I can't even say "I choose to believe because..." "Because" leads me right back to using logic - which, clearly, isn't cutting it.

If I can be "logic-ed" into believing, I can just as easily be "logic-ed" out.

Food for thought.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

And this may interest you: D has been wanting (for like forever) to make a computer game. But he wanted me to help design it so that I would play it with him. We've started the rough draft. It involves pink, butterflies, muffins, lollipops, a polar bear, and flowers. I wanted to make sure he can be proud to show his man-friends. Brrru-wahaha!

Geek + Girl = a laptop that mocks you

J Would've Been Born

Give or take a few weeks, this is when J would've been born. I think about my kids every single day, so a special month doesn't really make things worse. But I am a bit more sad than usual now. Enough to make it worth posting about.

I really can say though that a lot of good can come out of this. Losing a child makes you a better parent. It's something that has to do with gratitude, and not taking your living kids for granted. It makes you more diligent about truly loving your kids, and wanting to do the parenting job as honorably as possible.

Losing E and J also means that I will always have babies. You hear women all the time say, "Oh, they grow up so fast" or "wish they could stay little." Once I get to heaven, I will have a baby on each hip (oh, maybe I'll share with D), and I'll be the envy of all the other chicks. Sure, I'd rather have them here, but the heaven arrangement isn't bad per se.

Not like losing kids is a walk in the park. But God can pull good out of everything. Maybe that's my main point. Here's a public "THANK YOU, LORD" for pulling good out of grief.

A Little Explanation for the Not-So-Charismatic (yet - hehe)

Ahhh. Blog Day again. And what shall I tell y'all this time? Hmm. I tell ya another sparkle story and you'll think it's all I care about concerning God. Sooo...

I got my aquarium set back up post-move. We currently have a Mom Guppy, 3 teenagers, a beta, a snail, and "shrimp-bugs." We don't know what they are, but they're too bizarre to not keep.

Not having done anything for D's birthday a few weeks ago, and neither of us having a clue how to celebrate, it dawned on me Saturday, "Hey! I could make you a cake!" We were on the way to the grocery store at the time, but managed to remember everything we needed. Thus, the picture above - my mom's sheath cake recipe. D has been welcomed to spoil every meal with it until it's gone. As for me? I'm working on a 3 pound cheesecake.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

We're going to Lakeland, FL tomorrow (Fri). I think I've mentioned the Healing Outpouring that's going on there, so I'll skip that part. I've been threatening to wear my college t-shirt. Those of you who know where I went to college might see how hard it is to resist. (*twitty smirk*)

I know many of you are from our pre-marriage church background. Maybe you wonder what it is we believe? Whether we've jumped off the deep end? Well...

Briefly, we still believe the same thing you do. God's alive. Jesus is his Christ. He's coming back. Ya know, generic Christian stuff. I guess the main change is that we believe the Spirit goes beyond "seal of salvation." We believe he's active.

What that looks like is kinda crazy though. We've seen miracles. We've spoken in tongues. We've fallen to the floor when God... what's the word? Landed on us? (This is stuff you have to make up vocab for, and I haven't made up enough words yet.) Prophecy has become common. You know about sparkles. Have I mentioned oil? That sometimes shows up with the sparkles. And worship is a lot more expressive - not chaotic, just Loud Order.

Make ya uncomfortable? If so, me too. You're in gorgeous company. I am an introvert. D is an introvert. D doesn't "do loud." I very rarely "do loud." Neither of us is really expressive - though I think my face is, the rest of me's not. All the stuff I listed in the previous paragraph does not fit, even remotely, into my personality.

Thing is, I can't deny the reality of it. Nor can I deny it's God. I've tried to deny both. Doesn't work though. I've gone through the whole list: people make themselves think they feel better, but they're not healed; somebody's sneaking around spreading glitter; people make up "tongues"; they make themselves fall down or get rammed down. And let's not forget Satan disguising himself as an angel of light. I've tried that one too. I'm adding this paragraph just incase you question if I've questioned.

I've given myself full permission, upon seeing something new, to step back silently and observe. Sometimes everyone around me is loudly shouting approval at some event or idea. I sit. I stare. I think. I stand out. (I hate that.) But I don't get spoon-fed either. I end up, upon believing something, knowing why I believe it. (There are a few things I'm still "observing.")

Acts reads real different now. Several times I've said people looked drunk when God "landed on" them. They can't stand up, they move weird, shout, can't talk, or they laugh hysterically. But then there's the story from Pentecost. The Spirit landed on the 11. And the people called them drunk. Now I know why. I never would've guessed they really did look drunk. Wouldn't have known to think that.

It's been a crazy journey. And really, it all started back in February. We truly thought I might die, and figured if I didn't I'd always beg God to let me. We needed a miracle. Nothing less would even have helped. We got one. Life changed in more ways than one. Besides the fact that I'm alive, there's no longer desperation, no longer terror, and our gratitude and hunger for God are both a lot higher. We're driven now. We're closer to God. D didn't need to be nicer, but I did, and that's happening.

God never seems to be predictable. Nor is he ever present without something happening. Thing is, I always thought he was predictable. And I always thought he didn't take action.

I'm starting to understand though; God will always take action where he's welcomed to, and just a bit more - kind of a lure to get us to welcome more I guess.

Pink Grace

It's been like a month! Duuude!

So throwing the last month's worth atcha:

We moved. Nice place. Diggin' it. Odors are an issue, but nothing else is. We still have a quarter of our stuff in boxes, but are budgetting for shelves (cue "Someday I'll Wish Upon a Star" music). All of said boxes have been banned to the 2nd bedroom. And since I mentioned the topic to many of you pre-move, I'm still not comfortable with doing the laundry. However, the laundry room ranks lower on the Creepy Scale than the last one.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

You've heard sparkle stories. How 'bout a PINK sparkle story?!

We went to a conference one week ago.

Whole seperate topic regarding my foul attitude. I simply must mention it to be able to fully give God credit for the following.

At one of the last sessions, I asked God for pink. Here's where my foul attitude plays a pivotal role. I absolutely did not have the faith to even look. At that point, I was far too deep into "God doesn't like me anymore" (lala) Land.

But an hour after my asking, a LOAD of pink sparkles appeared at D's feet. Thinking back on it, that makes sense. God wants to answer, but I'm not bothering to look and D is. The obvious choice of whose feet to drop them at would be my husband's.

So now there's pink sparkles stuck between the pages of my Bible (along with gold, silver, and dark red). That's what the picture is of. It's not clear, but I tried. There's actually twice that amount - the others just didn't catch the light. Try clicking on the picture. It might get bigger for ya.

And get this. We put one of them on top my pink sapphire (engagement ring). We were able to see only part of the outline of the sparkle against the stone. The shade was precise.

Show the slightest little hint that you believe me, and I'll boggle your mind further. Well, technically, God will. But I'll let him borrow my fingers for it. There is so much to tell.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I've been doing a lot of sewing lately - mainly making, altering, or backing curtains. Our mini-blinds have as much as 2 inches between them. Real nice when it's dark outside and we have lights on.

However, I've also been wanting to add color to a black and white apron I have. (Hi, Visitor! The rest of you can ignore this sidenote.) It has 24 flower petals on it with a wide range of sizes. I've decided to sew a different word or phrase into each petal. I pulled them out of places like Philippians 4 ("think about such things") and 1 Cor. 13 ("love is"). I figure it's the perfect project. Each word will take a while to sew, and I'll naturally have to think about that word while I'm doing it. Then I'm left with a reminder of all the time I spent thinking about them.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Speaking of fun, we watched Ice Age the Meltdown on Sunday. Ya know the squirrel that chases his acorn across the glacier? He's called "Scrat." Turns out, a scrat is a saber-toothed squirrel. (Squirrel + Rat maybe?) The interesting part of it is; this new knowledge has made me feel brilliant. What is my deal? For all I know, it's not even true. I think the phrase "saber-toothed squirrel" and suddenly feel that I have a doctorate in Squirrelage.

Do you believe it?

I realize I didn't post last week. The following will help explain why. I wrote the following on Monday, May 26, regarding the previous weekend. (I'm tossing in a few explanations here and there.)

Setting the Stage

My journal entry from late 2006: “I don't know what, but big things are happening. Things are changing in me... I felt a great power or force rising in me and didn't know what it was.”

(Ivan and his wife are well-known for being prophetic.)
May 2007 (with Ivan): “God's gonna really be rising up gifts and anointings over you [two]...I also see a real gift of signs and wonders...Anointing is gonna go beyond what you've known.”

There is MUCH more. These are bare-bones basics so you can more easily see GOD ALMIGHTY in what you're about to read. I want you, whoever you may be, to see the Astounding One who is my God.

Familiarity

It all started Friday night. D and I went to hear Kim Clement – not even knowing if this was gonna be a music thing or a teaching or what. And then before even seeing him, I hear he's a Prophet – like with a capital “P.” I didn't know there was such a thing and I instantly went into “oh, crud” mode. “God, either he's a prophet or he's a false prophet and I gotta know which. I know I've prophesied before. If he's for real, let me recognize it.”

Eventually, Kim's there and about the second time he spoke from God, I recognized it. This way that I've never heard anyone besides myself speak, he was doing! My spirit just came alive! The familiarity was wonderful – besides getting to hear what was said.

Some of the things he prophesied that night were things that had been prophesied over me just in the last week! In the car on the way home at 1 AM, D and I knew we'd have to come back Saturday.

(This was the Saturday I posted that we'd found an apartment. Busy day.)

Gold Sparkles

Saturday afternoon we went to hear the intercession team, Billie and Al Deck. As Billie spoke, sparkles showed up on D's palms and fingers. Then, (after a minute of pouting and getting right with God about it...), they showed up on mine! Gold dust! And beige oil.

Eventually, I had to wash it off. But twice later in the day, as I was telling women I'd just met about it, it'd come back! I was told to give away what I got, so I kept rubbing it off on the hands of unsuspecting people. It came back again that night when we were listening to Kim again.

There was gold, silver, blue, and red. And I saw clearly that a blue one was in the shape of a diamond. So cool!

Through a lot of the weekend, and even now as I type, God can be felt. Like the air is thick and warm with a presence. You gotta get some of this, people!

Sunday morning, we were there to hear Billie speak again. Front and center. Six feet away at the most.

Billie started out with a few sparkles (gold flecks) on her, but had a decent coating by the end. And as if that's not cool enough, it was clear that she spoke from God. I don't know how to describe it. The Word of God is sharper than any double-edged sword, and that's the kind of speaking we heard. (Interactive is a good word - like what's spoken is in response to the thoughts you're currently having.)

Visions

I've had numerous visions (I think that's what it's called) throughout the weekend. I've had them before, but they've been thick these last few days. There's been a lot of, “You saw that too?!”

Much of it, I don't want to share yet. But here's one: Sunday morning, I saw myself standing alone on open land, facing the East as the sun came up. I reached out with my right hand, as if to grab it, and swung my arm up and over to the West, ripping the light across the sky as I did. It lit up the earth. Then I immediately spread both arms and bent far forward. The light suddenly came forth from the earth itself, turning the planet into an orb of white light.

Just after this, someone stood up to tell the room of a vision he'd just had about us being a bright light that would shine over Chicago, even from the top of Sears Tower. Cool!

Re-cap

Recognizing prophecy because I've had it in myself so much. Having visions. Physically feeling God's presence in the air. Gold dust and oil manifesting on my hands and my husband's hands. Someone who doesn't know me prophesying the same things that others have been prophesying over me for months. (I'm leaving out the story behind that last sentence for now.) Seeing God borrow the mouths of humans to speak directly to his people.

MY eyes have seen! MY ears have heard! MY mouth declares the GLORY of the LIVING and ACTIVE GOD!

You gotta get you some o' this!!!

Prove me wrong, Lord!

This is the post where I thank God for proving me wrong!

I grew up being told that the Holy Spirit kind of exists. When we were baptized with water, He would park inside us and idle. Supposedly, he was doing something in there, but He seemed a dull fellow.

I was 12ish when I started questioning this. Eagerly desiring the greater spiritual gifts was not happening in the theology I was taught, but it was clearly happening in the Bible I was reading.

Seven years of questioning later, I finally determined to leave the religion I was raised in. I was ditching religion to have relationship, but what in the world that was going to look like, I had no clue!

Seven years after that, and I found myself being healed from some physical insanity as a result of prayer. Several times, I would feel pain leave me while people prayed. It's been enlightening.

Now, in the last week, I'm watching God do some pretty bizarre stuff. Looks like my healing has just been the beginning.

Ever watch on TV as some pastor would pray for someone, putting his hand on their forehead, and they'd go down like they passed out? I always thought that was stupid. I couldn't figure out how, but I knew they were faking and trying to make money. I mean, isn't it obvious to everyone?

But now D and I have both caught someone as they went down. I had to sit because I was starting to go down myself. And someone that D had his hand on while he was praying for him says D's hand was on fire (a common feeling when God's moving we hear).

Furthermore, the woman that I caught found me 2 days later to tell me she's pain free now (which is what we were praying for - it'd been over 5 years for her).

Lemme tell ya, religion sucks. Relationship though is really fun.

God Still Works

Howdy, Folks!

This is a puzzle D and I just finished - 1,000 pieces, about 2 x 2 1/2 feet. It took us about a month. Ten minutes to an hour here and there and voila! This started as a compromise between D wanting to play board games and me wanting to sit and talk for hours. Worked out beautifully!

God Still Works
In other news, I'm feeling better to the extent that I'm living like a normal person again! I'm back to being able to keep my daily routine that I'd set up a couple months before getting sick. One routine at a time, the house is looking like I'm taking care of it again. And somewhere in the 3 months of not always even being able to cook our food, I've lost my perfectionism. That should be beneficial to the rest of my life and will likely make me far less annoying to D and our kids. Glory be, I got my life back!

Getting deeper into this topic... Being normal again is a direct result of being prayed for this past Sunday. A group of about 5 gathered around me and prayed for me - pretty well informing my body it was just flat fine now. And by golly God answered! I'd (basically) been sick for 5 months up through Sunday, was prayed for, and Monday I was the H of 5 months ago again. This is Wednesday. I'm convinced.

One thing about it though: Remember the man whose eyes Jesus healed? The one who Jesus had to heal again because the first time hadn't been thorough. (The guy that said people looked like trees.)

Well, I don't understand that. And it seems like there must be a bigger explanation than "Jesus couldn't get it right." Nevertheless, I seem to be like that man. I am absolutely healed. D could confirm that. But I seem to be in "people look like trees" mode. There are mild residual pains that show up briefly, one of us prays about, and they vanish again.

To the best of my shallow understanding, this is just part of the spiritual war going on every moment. God heals me and Satan dares to challenge Him.

This has really been an amazing journey the last few days as D and I watch what my body does in response to ours and others prayers. I really wish that those of you close enough to us to bother reading this blog could be here to also be filled with wonder. At the same time, it's been awesome getting to just travel the road and learn with my dear hubby. At the least, I figure I can tell y'all about it here.

(Another note on this topic: I have had this happen before. I had a couple years worth of back and nerve pain that was caused by 3 herniated discs. It was a daily annoyance/problem for all that time. There came a point where I was fed up with it though. I knew at that time that God could and did heal people instantly as a result of prayer. Not having anyone else that believed that to pray for me, I did it myself. That was just as I fell asleep and within 5 minutes of waking up, it dawned on me, "Hey! It doesn't hurt! Nothing hurts!" That was at least 5 years ago. I'm still fine. In all that time, there have been no more than a half dozen instances where it hurt. They were all brief and mild.)

I am still treating the Lyme - no one panic. In fact, I put a ticker on the right side of the blog counting me down to the loveliness of not being on a synthetic med (ew.) Too, yesterday I ordered 12 8oz. boxes of soy noodles. That's right - nothin' but soy beans. They have got to be better than the spaghetti squash I tried to make mac n' cheese with last time! I'm sincerely hoping that carbs can re-enter my life at some point, even if in small amounts. Meanwhile, I'm counting my blessings that I can eat this way since I do need to. And I'm trying soy pasta.
Hehe - and we all thought D wouldn't eat many things.

Details
Tonight is our second-to-last marriage course/date thing. The last one next week will be a potluck.

Tomorrow night is the first meeting of our new house group. We're with a lot of the same people, but we're shaking things up a bit. I think we have about 15. Fortunately, D and I'll be driving to the same friends' house that we've been going to already. How convenient!

And half of you already know this, but my brother has gotten word that he'll be stateside again around February and have a month-long leave around March.

Toodles. Have a lovely.