Missing Eden

For weeks now, I've been waiting expectantly to feel movement. Thinking about that this morning, I realized Eden should be trying to kick her way out of me by now. She was due in March. And now as I'm excitedly waiting to feel movement, I'm wondering what she would feel like right now. I never expected being pregnant again to make losing Eden stop hurting. I just never realized losing Eden would put a damper on being pregnant again. Here I sit pregnant with our second baby and still wishing to everything the first was in me. Makes no sense. Wouldn't make sense if I didn't feel that way either.

I knew having another baby would make losing Eden less ... severe. Certainly when March comes. But the bitter in bittersweet is thick.

Doing Better!

Picture just cracks me up.

Someone actually figured out that I was pregnant last Sunday just by noticing the bump! YES! How cool am I? Very cool! I definitely have a visible bump, but I think most people wouldn't notice it. You'd have to look. And depending on who you may be, I might prefer you didn't!

I've had another week now to look for the baby. Still can't find him. But all of womankind is swearing to me he's really in there somewhere, and surely not all of womankind can be lying with such consistency. Guess he'll turn up at some point. (I have a funny bump on my scalp. I wonder if...)

I told y'all I ordered some diapers and wipes. I've got 6 of the diapers and 16 wipes now. They are SO fun to play with! I realized though that we ordered rather expensive diapers that are designed to cover like a 5 pound weight range. Maybe not so smart. Need to try and think around that when I order more. But hey, they're fun to play with!

The ticker on the right is counting down time to March. We had assumed I'd be getting off the antibiotic sometime in March. Not looking like it anymore, but the Lyme relapses are certainly less severe and I feel confident I'll be able to get off pre-birth. I'll leave the ticker there, but I thought I'd update you.

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My feet are definitely doing better. Some of our friends at group last night told me I look like a different person. And the woman who works with my chiro said this morning that it's so good to see me walking and smiling. I must agree with all of them!

I am still hurting and we are still trying to get me treated. But it's awesome to be able to smile again. Yesterday, I was able to spend about 2 hours on my feet. I got 5 shirts ironed, 1 load of laundry put away, and about that amount of work done on the aquarium. Amazing when you couldn't walk at all a few days before!

One of our friends is coming to help clean the kitchen today AND she's going grocery shopping for us! Bless her soul. At the rate we're going, the second trimester looks like it might actually be fun. I really didn't anticipate that. Thank God!

All that we've been able to confirm medically is that I'm malnourished. And I hear that for that to show up, it has to be bad. I've been able to eat enough. The catch is that I hadn't been eating enough nutrients. Because I'm not under-nourished, we didn't realize it - I look healthy enough. Anyway, we're REALLY pushing the nutrients now along with the calories. Here's hoping that's all it was, but we don't know.

The appt with the neurologist was useless enough to not bother going into.

Prayer is Helping - Please Keep it Up

Muscle Cramp Update

I told you a few posts ago that I'd had a severe foot spasm and that my foot hadn't relaxed for a month. What I never said on the blog is that it's moved to atleast 13 muscles now, that I hadn't slept more than 6 broken hours a night in all that time, and that I'd been crying my eyes out.

Last Thursday, it got worse and we went to the ER. They couldn't find anything and sent me away with a shot of anti-inflammatory (barely helped at all.) We went from there straight to the church building where I cried (more!) and friends prayed for me. The following Sunday morning, I sent a prayer request out again and saw results that afternoon. Every day since has been better than any day in the previous month. I'm still in pain and crying daily, but it's so much more tolerable. Please keep praying - NOTHING has been so effective.
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The only other thing that has made any difference is a chiropractor. We went to her for the first time Wednesday afternoon. Noticeable difference. I was taking 6 inch "steps" going in, and was able to walk out - not normally, but I could walk. We went back Thursday night, and for about 3 minutes after she was done, my feet and legs felt normal. They hadn't felt like they're supposed to feel for a month! Of course, they're tight again now (Fri), but they haven't full-scale cramped since then. We go back Saturday.
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We're strongly suspecting something called myotonia. It's a genetic disorder that causes muscles to contract uncontrollably, and it's made worse while pregnant. We have an appointment with a neurologist on Monday morning to test for it and to get some additional brainstorming.
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Can I just add how little respect I have for the medical community at large? After numerous other experiences, I already wasn't likin' them any. But I've now had an ER staff and my Lyme doc act like this is normal - ya know, "women get cramps when they're pregnant - big deal." If I had the physical strength to do it, I would've broken/thrown/hit/destroyed something by now.

The Other News

Best I understand it, Super-Baby should now be fully formed and just needs to get bigger (basically). He's kicking and squirming. But ya know what I feel? FAT! I feel dangerously sick and also fat.

It's like fatness with a promise; "Now if you'll just spend a few months getting fat and feeling like dirt, then you're gonna get to be pregnant! Won't that be fun?!"

I keep staring at my belly thinking, "Bull. Where? I don't see anything."

This detail about the baby not seeming real is NOT HELPING ME when I'm in serious pain and wanting to take/do anything to relieve it. I'm double dosing on the Tylenol as it is and that puts a very pained look on David's face. And to think I used to look down on women who would put their babies at risk! That was back when I didn't know this kind of pain existed. I think I'd prefer to stay self-righteous and ungrateful and still not know. (And can I reiterate that prayer is making a difference? Thank God!)
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Because we've been so focused on figuring out and treating these cramps, finding a midwife had to be ditched.

But get this, one who we interviewed and really liked got a prayer request from me when I just hit "select all" in my address book. She wrote back offering help and prayer. So guess who we've decided to go with? I like this chick! Her response just confirmed my gut feeling from when we talked to her before.

Her name is Jennifer and our first appt (besides the initial consultation/interview) is set for Thursday, January 24th.

That gives us 2 weeks to focus on fixing my useless feet - or time to figure out how to neatly cut them off. Haven't decided yet. What are you laughing at? I'm getting more and more resolute on this one.
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I've ordered 9 newborn diapers and 20 wipes online. They should come in next week, and I can't wait! We intended to wait another month, but David said I needed to go ahead and do it just for me. I've been so stuck in the pain and fear that's come with being pregnant, I can't think about the baby part of it.
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And in useless news: I'm sure many of you have heard the tale of me hearing Molly barfing, and coming around the corner to find her face buried in David's shoe. Well, about a week ago she found his other pair of shoes. She also frequents attacking his shoelaces. The girl has a thang for them feet.

Belly Shot

As of Tuesday, Jan 8.

Take note that my muscles allowed me to get dressed and do this. Those that have been praying, please don't stop. And thank you!

There's a foot of bella band showing only because my arm's up. May no fashionable person be concerned.

Praise my Coolness

It infuriates me to hear women complain about what it feels like to be pregnant after they've lost a baby. How could any mother, having experienced that, moan and groan like her next child is the worst thing that ever happened to her? I mean really. To make my point clear, imagine a woman who has just miscarried hearing a healthy pregnant woman whine 'cause her feet are swollen. See what I'm getting at?

After losing Eden, there were a few major things I was determined to do different the next time. I would keep my hand on my belly a lot and talk to the baby. Mission accomplished. And I SWORE I would not complain about being pregnant. Okaaaaay...

And then, because of being pregnant, I got that 20 minute foot spasm where my toes were disjointed. The one that left "spasm status" but still has not relaxed - 4 weeks later!
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Not gonna complain huh? Hm. Well so far, I've been able to not complain. However, I've done a lot of telling people about it, looking for help, and crying. I have said many times that speaking strictly from a physical perspective, getting pregnant was stupid. And it really was, but I'm not just physical. (referring to my pre-preg health here)

One thing about it though, it's worth it. But it's so hard right now. No obvious belly to show off, not feeling movement, none of the really fun stuff, and yet I'm hurting. Doesn't it seem like the hurting should atleast hold off until I get the fun stuff too?

Really, I have a lot to be grateful for. I mean, have you met my husband? I have a baby waiting for me in heaven. And after being afraid that Eden might be the full extent of me being pregnant, I am pregnant again. There are indications that the Lyme will be gone soon. I've been off seizure meds for about a year and nothing has happened. I am spending my days doing exactly what I want to.

Life's good really. It's just always somethin'. Seems easy enough to just accept that and start ignorning the bad stuff. But dang - being in pain 23 hours a day?!
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I am very active about keeping myself excited. It's hard to remember there's a good reason for what I'm feeling. It helps my attitude when I...

• "pick out" maternity clothes on-line
• or a diaper bag
• or boy, girl, and neutral baby clothes
• follow sites that tell me how big Super-baby is and what's happening with him
• wear my maternity clothes at home (they won't fit for a while)
• "waddle" around the house with my hand on my belly
• dress carefully so that my bump looks as big as possible
• go out in public dressed this way and plaster my hand to my belly (my favorite feel-good trick)

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Women should be able to enjoy being pregnant. What cooler thing could you ever do? One thing about it, I DO feel cool. I am SO cool actually - just incase you didn't realize that. And as my belly gets bigger, my coolness increases exponentially. Y'all remember that.

Help me remember that.

"Suuuuuper-Babeeeee!"

(This is about where Super-baby is right now.)
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Last week, I told you that I wanted maternity jeans. David and I drove 30 minutes to a good mall. The vibrations in the car made my feet crampy. By the time we got there, I was miserable (and being a real sweetheart.) Sooo...

When we happened across a Motherhood Maternity there, I attacked it. No WAY was I doing that trip again in just 4 weeks! I planned on 2 pair of jeans. I ended up with one that'll do, and 3 maternity shirts - tent-sized - so they'll last. I won't need to buy more clothes until late January - though I may anyway. :)

And can I just say - wearing a maternity shirt around the house really really helps when you're miserable.
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The nausea is fading - I've had atleast half a day nausea-free for several days now. Can't wait for something healthy to sound tastey though.

My hugest pregnancy problem is foot cramps. I've only had one actual spasm. It was 3ish weeks ago. My toes were disjointed for 20 minutes and I nearly passed out from it. Joy. Since then, my feet are still very tight and twitchy, and some of my other muscles are getting in on the fun. Something's wrong - I'll get bloodwork done Monday the 7th. I'm highly suspecting a pinched nerve somewhere too (which would really suck hose water in the 3rd trimester.)
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As of now, Super-baby has fingers and toes and is starting to get squirmy. He's about an inch long (though this doesn't count his legs as they are apparently sticking out of his belly at the moment.)

"Super-baby" is what we landed on when trying to think up a nickname for him. David and I both don't like it. But when I first thought of it, we still had over a week before hitting the day we lost Eden. "Super-baby" has a nice feel to it - ya know - a strong, durable feel. I strongly suspect that another name will come to us once we're feeling less worried - hopefully something more cuddly.

For clarification: To pronounce "Super-baby" correctly, you have to throw one fist in the air and yell, "Suuuuuuper-Babeeeee!"
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I absolutely refuse to tell anyone how far along I am or the due date. That way, nobody can hold me to a specific due date! Yes, you family can still be annoying. You have my blessing to be - I wanna do it back! But I'm limiting your abilities. Am I evil and spoiling the fun? You betcha! I'm awful.

For what it's worth, I figured up what week-range August due dates are currently in. As of today, Thursday Jan. 3, we land from 5.5 to 9.5 weeks. I did that so I can figure up when exactly I can't tell anyone which trimester I'm in. Oh yeah people, I'm bad. Y'all could have a hayday betting on the birthdate. Just don't bet me into September. I'm supposed to be the evil one here.
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Also of interest, my birthday was Wednesday. You see, I knew that on Wednesday, I'd hit another "week mark" of pregnancy. And that's all I registered regarding my birthday. David told me "Happy Birthday" and I yelled, "I'm # weeks today!"

I did register that we'd be going to the Olive Garden, and was stoked about it. But half way through the meal, I suddenly turned to David, "Hey! It's my birthday!" I rarely see David laugh so hard. I mean birthday smirthday, I have a BUMP people!

Blokus

Quick post to brag on hubby. David spent 30 minutes fitting all the Blokus pieces into the grid. They're all connected how you'd connect them playing the game. Each of the color patterns is exactly the same as the others.

Super-baby update coming tomorrow or Friday.