First Time at our Friday Night Group

The following is a pivotal story for both of us in knowing God's love and power. The night spoken of rocked both our lives.

This is the night we realized God takes action.

You've heard about our Friday night church group. Mike, the leader, asked me to write out the story of the first time we went. This is it.
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One night in February of 2008, my husband and I went to our Friday night group for the first time. We came straight from the funeral home, where we'd dropped off our son's body to be cremated. He was our second child - and the second we'd lost.

We came in after the meeting had started, both my arms around my husband's teddy bear, and his arm around me. We sat down and half-listened to the speaker, a woman who, of all things, was telling the story of holding her son while he died.

I don't remember much from the meeting, or even from the surrounding months. I came in shattered, not only having just lost our baby, but in the worst part of Lyme Disease. It'd been 3 months since I'd had a moment without pain. Even before we knew something was wrong with the baby, I was out of my head from hurting.

I remember Mike kneeling in front of me, talking to me quietly. He was asking what was going on. I couldn't speak, and my husband answered for us.

I've remarked a few times since that neither of us ever told the group that we thought I'd die. Though each time I've mentioned that, I've heard, "Oh I know! We could tell."

Mike asked something about whether it was ok for the group to pray for us, and put their hands on us.

Then I remember having about 6 hands on me. One was my husband's. Their hands made my body hurt, but I didn't care. I hurt worse than my body did.

I heard things in that prayer that I never had before. They said they believed Jesus could heal me. They demanded bad things to get off me. I remember so little, but I know it brought comfort. I remember thinking that if I did die, maybe these people would help my husband.

When they were done praying, and a few were left kneeling, talking to me, something made me laugh. I remember Mike turning from near-by and saying, "You're laughing!" I was rather surprised myself.

The next afternoon, I realized that my pain level had dropped enough to notice. That would gradually continue until, about 4 months later, I felt good 23 hours a day. The prayer had been a turning point.

One year later, I'm healthy and hopeful, closer to God than I knew was possible, the group is our family, and they're teaching us how to pray.

Prove me wrong, Lord!

This is the post where I thank God for proving me wrong!

I grew up being told that the Holy Spirit kind of exists. When we were baptized with water, He would park inside us and idle. Supposedly, he was doing something in there, but He seemed a dull fellow.

I was 12ish when I started questioning this. Eagerly desiring the greater spiritual gifts was not happening in the theology I was taught, but it was clearly happening in the Bible I was reading.

Seven years of questioning later, I finally determined to leave the religion I was raised in. I was ditching religion to have relationship, but what in the world that was going to look like, I had no clue!

Seven years after that, and I found myself being healed from some physical insanity as a result of prayer. Several times, I would feel pain leave me while people prayed. It's been enlightening.

Now, in the last week, I'm watching God do some pretty bizarre stuff. Looks like my healing has just been the beginning.

Ever watch on TV as some pastor would pray for someone, putting his hand on their forehead, and they'd go down like they passed out? I always thought that was stupid. I couldn't figure out how, but I knew they were faking and trying to make money. I mean, isn't it obvious to everyone?

But now D and I have both caught someone as they went down. I had to sit because I was starting to go down myself. And someone that D had his hand on while he was praying for him says D's hand was on fire (a common feeling when God's moving we hear).

Furthermore, the woman that I caught found me 2 days later to tell me she's pain free now (which is what we were praying for - it'd been over 5 years for her).

Lemme tell ya, religion sucks. Relationship though is really fun.

All the Little Details

I've made mention of this before, but Mother's Day is coming up. Great. Just great.

It's common on Mother's Day for all the mothers to be asked to stand in church. Puts me in a funny position now doesn't it? I have not yet decided what I will do, but I guarantee by the time I'm there, I'll be very certain of the decision I have made. Meanwhile, my stomach and heart are both knotted.

I've also had to wrestle with whether or not I can say that I'm a "stay at home mom" (SAHM.) You see, Flylady has a new forum, and there's a subforum there for those who are "stay at home" but not yet "mom." This left me wrestling with whether I belong there, or would fit better in the SAHM subforum.

However, I've decided about this SAHM thing. I AM a SAHM. It just looks different than what you'd expect.

For what it's worth, I also answer with "yes" when people ask if I have kids. I just follow it up with something like, "2 in heaven" or "but none living yet." Being a mom without kids, there are a LOT of these little details you have to work out.
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I talk to many other women who have lost babies. There's a wide variety in how the others choose to handle this stuff. But what seems to be common is how society at large views us and our children - we're not mothers, and our babies aren't really our children - never were.

I'm under the impression that what I do by crediting myself as being a mother, and crediting my children as being my children, flies in the face of our culture. Of course, I am also faithful to my spouse and don't cuss.

"If I live through this..."

There's a story in the Bible where God tells King Hezekiah he'll die. When Hezekiah pleads with God to heal him, God decides to give him 15 years more to live. I found myself in a similar situation these last months, pleading with God to heal me from the Lyme and the foot pain that came with it. I was terrified - truly believing I'd either die or want to (from the pain) and not be able.

I lamented (and I mean that) to D nearly every day that I'd learned SO much from being in this position, and I wanted to share it with others, and God would've wasted something if I didn't recover. (Since God has limited resources ya know.)

During those months, I was making a list in my head. It was a list of things that would be different "if I live through this." It's written now and I keep coming back to it every day.

• I'll focus on a relationship with God.
• I'll make my years count - in a way that'll matter for eternity.
• I'll seek the Spirit - gifts, hearing God.
• I'll be grateful for everything I can hunt down to be grateful for.
• I'll always understand how close I am to dying.
• I'll keep the loose ends tied off.
• I'll home-make instead of house-keep.
• I'll focus on people, fostering relationships with family and friends.
• I'll help other people.
• I'll share with others what I've learned (heaven's close, people are important, focus on knowing God, prioritize).
• I'll milk a laugh or joy for all it's worth. I won't miss any.
• I'll work to develop who D and I are as individuals.
• I'll understand the years beyond age 25 are a merciful gift.
• I'll understand I'm not alive so I can be happy or live for pleasure.
• I'll share with others the extra level of compassion and nurture I've developed.
• I'll take advantage of opportunities to show affection, remembering times when I couldn't stand to be touched.
• I'll focus on D, building our relationship as a couple.

Super-Baby's with E

sent from Vineyard (our church)

Since the last time I blogged (the events of less than one month):

• Thurs, Jan. 24 - While at ER, found out Super-Baby had died. He was measuring 6+ weeks. I'd been pregnant 12+ weeks.
• Mon, Jan. 28 - Labor and miscarriage while at friend's house. Ambulance ride to ER. Night in hospital.
• Tues, Jan. 29 - D&C. Two more nights in hospital.
• Thurs, Jan. 31 - Home from hospital.
• Mon, Feb. 4 - D and I held Super-Baby's body for the first and last time.
• Feb. 7-14 - Lyme relapse. Worst one yet.
• Thurs-Sun, Feb. 7-9 - Three nights in a hotel. Named Super-Baby. Got talking seriously about adoption.
• Tues, Feb. 12 - Midwife follow-up. I'm fine.
  
• Fri, Feb. 15 - Took J's body to funeral home for cremation and chose an urn. First visit to counselor. Got major huge prayer cover this night. Physically, noticeably less-bad this day.
• NOW. Sat, Feb. 16 - Trying to get me into a 2-week all-day counseling program. Should be able to pick up Super-Baby's ashes next weekend. Getting second strand added to my "E bracelet." Many doc visits and an MRI scheduled (all Lyme related).
• Detail: Add 1-3 times daily me going into shock and/or anxiety attacks from Jan. 24 - about Feb. 4. Currently down to a few times a week. Been very out of my head through this time period, and still feeling out of touch with reality most of the day. I do seem to be able to type/write with some clarity.
  

Super-Baby is now J Z. He'll go by J.

The Mother

She's me. The Elder Sister. She's the protective big sister with the long red hair. Part little girl, but holding "her" baby. Still fragile herself, but caring for one more fragile. Thinking of the day she'll hold one of her own. But grateful for the one she holds now. She's me.







First, there was Monday. The day that I understood there was life in me. When we were excited. When I couldn't keep my hand off my hardening tummy. When I knew I'd be calling a midwife the following week. When my every thought started with "Is it better for the baby if I..."

Then there was Saturday. The day we understood it was over. When I tried to convince myself for the first time that I'd never had a baby. When I wanted to believe nothing was lost. When, for self preservation, I made sure to forget what it felt like to carry someone else.

Then there was Monday. The day I understood once again that there had been life in me. When the reality of loss, grief, motherhood, and dire need all hit. When I cried so hard I split my lip. When I spent 20 minutes sitting on the foot of the bed in the dark with my arms cramped down around a doll, rocking us both. When I first felt the conflict of wanting to be with my baby and wanting to be with my precious husband.

Then there was Saturday. The day my favorite girlfriend called to offer support. When I spent about an hour smiling because I saw that she cared. The day she called back. When she tried to tell me I never had a baby. The day I lost a friend. When I first put my child above someone else.

Then there was Friday. The day we sat shell-shocked as we heard our only child referred to with "if you really were pregnant," "the products of conception," and "the embryo." When D said he was proud of me for not murdering anyone. The day I understood that my very womanhood is wrapped around this millimeter-sized child.

Then there's Sunday. The day I watched D holding a red-headed baby girl. When all I could think of was how to twist the picture to make it look like he was holding our daughter. The day I watched him read a story to 2 little boys. When I sat trying to make his face look 5 years older, wanting to convince myself I'll be seeing this again someday. The day I sat staring at my dreams and trying to act normal about it.

Flashback 3 years: I'm sitting D down in a rocking chair, explaining how to "keep your arm behind her neck," laying a day-old baby in his arms. I'm thinking as I lay her in his arms that I'll be laying his own child in his lap someday. And D doesn't know I like him.

And then there is Monday. Today is the day I see that the man whose arms I long to lay our babies in is still the daddy in our family. When I see that this man is the protective father. When I see that what others see doesn't change who we are. This is the day I see that this woman who longs to lay the babies in their daddy's arms is still the mother in our family. When I see that this woman is a good mother. When I see that what others see doesn't change who we are.

She's me. The Mother. She's the protective mother with the long red hair. Part little girl, but holding her baby. Still fragile herself, but caring for one more fragile. Longing for the day she'll hold another of her own. But grateful for the one she holds now. She's me.

Flylady

Anybody else procrastinate like I did?



I found a bodacious site that I've been working off of for a full week now. It's called Flylady. The whole thing is funny and light, giving detailed and simple instructions on how to clean, organize, or fix most anything in your home. The jist of it is establishing helpful routines, one at a time. I'm hooked. And YOU SHOULD SEE MY HOUSE! Wooo!



I'm putting her link on the right side of the blog for any of y'all who are curious.



I'm keeping house as well as my sister now! (Mom?) :P

Oh, boy! Oh, boy! Oh, girl! Oh, girl!

D and I are sponsoring 4 kids now! I got on World Vision today, spent a lot of time hunting through the site, and here's what happened:

Ever is 8 and lives in Honduras. He has a sister as well as D's birthday.

Luis is 10 and lives near Mexico City. He has a brother.

Thilini is turning 6 on May 9 and lives in Sri Lanka. She has a father and brother.

Yande is 4 and lives in Senegal. She has 4 brothers and 4 sisters (cool). And her birthday's on mine. Yande is the only one not in good health, and as the littlest, I may find myself playing favorites. :)

Looks like I have a birthday card to send tomorrow too - IF I can figure out how to do so. I may need to wait until we get their pictures in the mail. I've already seen them online, but can't copy them. I attempted sending those pictures online to our 4 parents and Lisa - there were only 3 slots availiable for email addresses, so nobody feel offended.

When we get these pictures, we'll also get info on how to do the penpal thing with 'em.

I also am wanting to figure out if I can re-connect with Adonech, who my grandparents sponsored when I was a kid upon my puppy-dog-eyes request.

We're hoping for a couple more. We still have some questions about the budget to get answered. We're workin' on it.

Our Precious Furball

Does timing get any better?

How DID I Get Here!

Life is so good. It just occurred to me. Here am I, only 24, and already living my dream. I'm a housewife who answers to nobody but a loving husband. No boss at work or anybody evaluating what I do during the day. Just a husband who trusts me to take care of things for the home and is pleased to let me do it entirely my way.

My life has no demands on it. I have responsibilities, but no pressure. I have to keep hubby well-fed, but if I burn it, he likes the extra flavor. I have to keep the house clean, but if I'm too tired, I can nap.

And even there, the house which I have to work with is good. It's spacious. It's simple. It's private and safe. We have all we need, but not enough that it gets in the way.

I have plenty of friends, both here and from past places. But it's a small enough number that I can stay close to them.

God has been changing me in the last few weeks. Nothing concrete, but an answer to prayer. Things like conviction, faith, and understanding. I live in a reality that I did not know existed. My comprehension of what God can do and with what ease and swiftness has stunned me. It's caused me to lay in bed laughing hysterically as realization came. (My poor amused husband.) I am not the same as I was and still I am rapidly changing. It's not a matter of something that can be seen or touched, yet it's as solid and real as a rock inside me. I am wearing the same body around a different person.

And here I sit, somewhere on the western edge of a dense city, quiet and alone, yet feeling every soul out there. I live peacefully, comfortably, and secluded; yet so aware. God is moving. Glory to him.

Wedding Pictures

We've got wedding pictures up on flickr now. But it wouldn't let us put up many. There's a limit to how much you can upload in a month. More come November 1! Blog pictures will never involve our faces (for safety). If you want to look at the face pictures on flickr, let us know and we'll send you the necessary invite. We'll have to have your e-mail address if we don't already.
We'll put other pict.s up on here for ya.